Wanna know what movie ruined me? Not even a full movie, actually. Just a scene from a movie. A lot of people around my age may say something about Artax and Atreyu in the Swamp of Sadness. Some may mention bees and a kid needing his glasses, because he can’t see without his glasses. Might even get an Old Yeller shout out. But those scenes left us traumatized, not ruined.
The scene I’m going to tell you about didn’t traumatize me. It ruined me in that my expectations were set way too high by it. Specifically, it ruined depictions of love and romance for me. Lots of kids of my generation grew up buying into the Disney fairy tale bullshit, thinking they’d get a prince or a princess. I know I did. I’m not sure when we started to outgrow that fantasy, but I’m pretty sure I was the last to give up on it. I was a romantic tween/teen; worse, I was boy crazy. If I hadn’t also been perpetually awkward, that might have led to some poor decisions. When I got into high school, I fell violently in love with Romeo and Juliet, a full two years before the Claire & Leo film came out. I was in love with the idea of love.
After the sappy and tragic films of my childhood, and other than the aforementioned R+J, I never wandered much into romantic films. I remember watching Dirty Dancing. I thought it was cute, but I didn’t buy it or re-rent it or anything. The premise of Pretty Woman didn’t sound interesting to me; I didn’t see that until my mid-20s. I’ve still never seen Sleepless in Seattle or My Best Friend’s Wedding. I am not shitting on these movies; they’re just not for me.
A lot of my film tastes were (and remain) a little odd, so the romantic films I liked had a bit of a different spin to them. I deeply loved A Life Less Ordinary. Part of that was Ewan McGregor. I’ve loved him since Trainspotting and he’s just adorable in that film. The plot is that God sends angels to get specific people coupled up. And the angels end up using some pretty nefarious means. Plus, there’s a gameshow and karaoke, kidnapping, and Timothy Olyphant’s first film appearance. Check it out, if you’ve never seen it. It even has my favorite Tony Shalhoub line of all time.
I was a massive fan of Untamed Heart with Marissa Tomei and Christian Slater. And ok, part of that was Christian Slater. In my defense, I’d been a fan since I saw The Legend of Billie Jean on cable when I was 9 or so. But oh my God, his character’s scared little boy attitude with the protective instincts of a mother bear? And the way she just… accepted this guy who looked at the world in a deeply weird way? That’s the kind of thing I dig.
I almost forgot Reality Bites. I guess that one was popular. But c’mon. It has extra hot and dirty 1990s Ethan Hawke. And when Troy and Lelaina finally end up in bed together, and Troy tells her that he’s wanted her like that for “all these years”… Ugh. Just rip my heart out already.
My personal favorite romantic film is The Crow. Which, of course was massive in the 1990s. I’m not sure how many people other than me consider that film a romance, though. But it absolutely is. Man comes back from the dead to completely annihilate the people who violently raped and murdered the woman he loved. There is a massive amount of blood and violence in this film. Yet, when Tin Tin refers to Shelly as a bitch, Eric slaps him. That one tiny gesture made such an impact on me at 14. Eric had crawled out of a grave to commit murder. But that doesn’t stop him from slapping a dude for disrespecting Shelly. It doesn’t get more romantic than that, not in the mind of the morbid teenager I was at that age.
The romantic scene that ruined me was in a less goopy film than Untamed Heart, a more relatable film, for me, than Reality Bites, and a slightly less fantastical film than A Life Less Ordinary or The Crow. The scene that ruined me, got my hopes up way too high is from Kevin Smith’s Chasing Amy.
I was 17 or 18. My best friend had come out as a lesbian before the film, so I knew that a lesbian falling in love with a man was thoroughly fantasy. But there’s an honesty in that movie that resonated with me. Also, I like my romance with dick and fart jokes. I’ve always been in the group of women who will get into all kinds of trouble for a funny person. And Kevin Smith films never fail to tickle me.
The specific scene I’m referring to, the one that directly led to my ruination, is when Holden stopped his car and started to tell Alyssa how he felt.
“I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the-the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being… I can’t take this anymore. I can’t stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can’t-I can’t look into your eyes without feeling that-that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can’t talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are… I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there’s a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. And all I ask, please, is that you just – you just not dismiss that, and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn’t another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I’m with you, and I would risk this friendship… Because it is there between you and me. You can’t deny that.”
Maybe I love that monologue because I, too, am wordy as fuck. Maybe its because he tells her how he feels and then adds on how she makes him feel, which is really hot to me. Maybe its because I’ve read trashy romance novels, and I want to feel that longing, too.
And then, as if that wasn’t enough to clench your heart, he follows her out of the car. Into the rain. The actual pouring rain! And they share this kiss, like they’re going to wither away and disappear if they don’t kiss in that very instant. And oh my god did that ruin my whole fucking life.
I have been waiting for that moment. I was married and thought it would happen eventually. I’m currently writing this in the same room with my partner, and I adore this man. But I’m not convinced that a speech and a kiss like that will happen for me anymore.* That speech and that kiss are the most fantastical depiction of love and romance that I have ever seen. Even the argument at the hockey game and the final conflict feel more real. Hell, I’ve had similar arguments, and been offered similar proposals, and I’m no where near as cute as Joey Lauren Adams. It almost feels like I should sue Kevin Smith for giving me unrealistic expectations. The man ruined my life. I’d blame Affleck, but, as a writer, I blame the writer.
In my personal experience, it is highly unlikely that a cis-man is going to give such a long, eloquent speech to tell a woman exactly how and why he loves her. And even if he did, he wouldn’t kiss her like that after. Because we all know that the only guys who can kiss like that are line cooks with a minor drinking or drug problem who rent a house with four other dudes and sleep on a mattress on the floor. When a guy kisses you like that, you know you’re in trouble. When a guy kisses you like that, it feels like falling in love.
But I might not be the best person to listen to about love. My idea of a perfect pick up line is from another Kevin Smith film, Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back.
*After some discussion, The Man Friend agreed that I’d never get to experience this feeling, if only because I’ve now been building that idea up in my head for 30 years. There’s no way my fantasy could ever be captured realistically. God love that man. He has such an eloquent way of dealing with my bullshit. That might be why he calls me Boo Boo Kitty Fuck.